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2006/8/21  There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and
he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing. His Mother
told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl
will die that very minute!" On his 21st Birthday, he went out with
some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around
town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she
eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he
resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt." He
replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very
minute!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on, kiss me." With
that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips. He began to
cry, "Oh, no, I'm going to die." She asked, "Why are you going to
die?" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me
has begun to get stiff!"
2006/8/17
Canadian Temperature Scale:
+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear, people in Canada go swimming in the lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat, people in Canada plant gardens.
+50
Californians shiver uncontrollably, people in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won’t start, people in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes, Lake Superior gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats, Canadians throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat, Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die….Canadians lick the flagpole.
-20 degrees
Californians fly to Mexico, Canadians get out their winter coats.
-40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates, Canadian Girl Scouts are selling cookies door to door.
-60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic, Canadian Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 degrees
Mount St. Helens freezes, Canadians rent some videos.
-100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole, Canadians get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.
-297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survive on dairy products, Canadian cows complain about farmers with cold hands.
-400 degrees (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale)
All atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying “Eh, cold ‘nuff for ya?”
-500 degrees
Hell freezes over and Calgary wins the Stanley Cup!!!!!!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” 2006/8/12  A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "GOSH, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
2006/8/3  A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am studying Theology," he replies.
"Theology. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." 2006/8/1 Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who
had done well financially in ladies' underwear, asked his father
if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be
good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his
declining years. The old man was pleased but consented to go only
if he could be at a kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his
father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all
seemed to be going quite well. Then, a few weeks later, when Sol
had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop
unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might
be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel. Sol
hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one
Ms. Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door.
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed,
redhead! And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm shocked!! I
don't know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age!
Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!"
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, "Sol,
what are you getting so excited for? It's not like I eat here."
  Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?  Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!" There are only 2 thing to worry about in life- either you are healthy, or you are sick. If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you have 2 things to worry about: either you'll get better, or you'll die. If you get better you have nothing to worry about, but if you die you have 2 things to worry about: either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about, BUT if you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry! The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
2006/7/30
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, ""but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." 2006/7/25
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
God was just about done creating humans, but He had two parts left over.
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so He thought he might as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing." God told them, "and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it?"
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"BRAINS" said God. 2006/7/21
 A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?”
The mother replies, “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time.” says the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled?
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”  Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" 2006/7/18
If your wife or your girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fata**! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
 A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer.
This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor.
"Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs talking to your tape recorder." 2006/7/15 EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - off my planet..
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be . . . ?
6. I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14 How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
 Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "Try Saying" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the Hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the Hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
2006/7/7 ...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research
mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a
look:
Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.
Supplemental-1: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently
while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud
sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy
he has been judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplemental-2: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took
place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew
his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
quarantine.
Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate
that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great
speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature
once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted
to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sick bay, leaving me
in command of the research party.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on
the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party
I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our
lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.3: The strange occurrences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me
to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for
them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty,
though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should
be kept under observation.
Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to
counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed
dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it.
This dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide,
eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
Captain's Log, supplemental: The plan failed. The creature was
indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish,
consumed the bait, and sped off without setting the trap. Mr. Spock is
as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design.
I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature
in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
Xontel.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8: Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a
major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4: In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has jury rigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.
Captain's Log, supplemental: Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
reading from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been
sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
analyze the creatures movements. It seems to travel consistently over a
set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through
frequently.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7: Mr. Sulu has located a cache of Acme
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several
hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived
the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although
they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely
buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe
shortly.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9: Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees
compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit.
A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and
commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I
would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be
held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the
unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been
beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1: Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate,
a thereagram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked
containers in Sick bay. By injecting a small amount into each member of
the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature at its own
high speed terms.
Captain's Log, supplemental: The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured does
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP,
BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandable flustered, accidentally pressured in the
entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in
pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2: I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
Captain's Log, supplemental: This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship's
power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have
been destroyed; hover, the energies were too much strain for the Acme
crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise,
engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a
complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support.
Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure.
Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the
atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had
collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time,
and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no
theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported
nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that
they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and
then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head,
usually wearing a resigned expression of perplex. We are attempting
now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove
intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it.
Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the
ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space,
where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, recording.
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