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2006/8/21  There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.
However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and
he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing. His Mother
told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl
will die that very minute!" On his 21st Birthday, he went out with
some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around
town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she
eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he
resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt." He
replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very
minute!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on, kiss me." With
that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips. He began to
cry, "Oh, no, I'm going to die." She asked, "Why are you going to
die?" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me
has begun to get stiff!"
2006/8/17
Canadian Temperature Scale:
+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear, people in Canada go swimming in the lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat, people in Canada plant gardens.
+50
Californians shiver uncontrollably, people in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won’t start, people in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes, Lake Superior gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats, Canadians throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat, Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die….Canadians lick the flagpole.
-20 degrees
Californians fly to Mexico, Canadians get out their winter coats.
-40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates, Canadian Girl Scouts are selling cookies door to door.
-60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic, Canadian Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 degrees
Mount St. Helens freezes, Canadians rent some videos.
-100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole, Canadians get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.
-297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survive on dairy products, Canadian cows complain about farmers with cold hands.
-400 degrees (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale)
All atomic motion stops, Canadians start saying “Eh, cold ‘nuff for ya?”
-500 degrees
Hell freezes over and Calgary wins the Stanley Cup!!!!!!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” 2006/8/12  A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "GOSH, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
2006/8/3  A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am studying Theology," he replies.
"Theology. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." 2006/8/1 Old man Blumberg was getting on in years, and his son, Sol, who
had done well financially in ladies' underwear, asked his father
if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be
good for the old man to have companionship and warm weather in his
declining years. The old man was pleased but consented to go only
if he could be at a kosher hotel.
So Sol made reservations at the finest kosher Hotel and put his
father on a plane to Miami Beach.
Once a week, Sol phoned him to see how things were going, and all
seemed to be going quite well. Then, a few weeks later, when Sol
had to make a business trip, he decided to drop in on pop
unannounced and surprise him.
When he got to the hotel, however there was no sign of his father.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might
be and he was told he might try room 2201 at a nearby hotel. Sol
hopped into a cab and headed for the hotel.
There he learned at the desk that room 2201 was the room of one
Ms. Karen McMerty!
Sol rushed up to the room and knocked on the door.
Imagine his surprise when it was opened by a tall, barely dressed,
redhead! And there, in the bed, was his father!
Sol was furious!
Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm shocked!! I
don't know what to say! A religious man like you! And at your age!
Not to mention your insistence on staying at a Kosher hotel!"
The old man looked at him as if he were crazy and said, "Sol,
what are you getting so excited for? It's not like I eat here."
  Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?  Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!" There are only 2 thing to worry about in life- either you are healthy, or you are sick. If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you have 2 things to worry about: either you'll get better, or you'll die. If you get better you have nothing to worry about, but if you die you have 2 things to worry about: either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about, BUT if you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry! The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
2006/7/30
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, ""but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." 2006/7/25
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
God was just about done creating humans, but He had two parts left over.
He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so He thought he might as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing." God told them, "and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it?"
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"BRAINS" said God. 2006/7/21
 A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?”
The mother replies, “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time.” says the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled?
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”  Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" 2006/7/18
If your wife or your girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fata**! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
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